Post by ann on Jun 1, 2008 10:20:21 GMT 2
A bloke takes his sick dog to the vet.
When it's his turn to be seen the vet leads the poorly animal into the treatment room.
The vet returns 15 minutes later and says to the owner 'Excuse me sir, but could you say 'Ahhhh....'?'
The dogs owner replies 'Why do I have to say 'Ahhhh....'?'
The vet says, 'Because your dog's dead...'
One day, whilst cleaning her young sons bedroom, a Mother finds a sado-masochist magazine under the bed.
Unsure of how to deal with the situation, she keeps the magazine and shows it to her husband when he comes home from work.
Slowly he flicks through the pictures of leather and PVC clad dominatrix and whips, before handing it back to his wife without a word.
'Come on', she says exasperated, 'What should we do about this?'
'Well', replies her husband, 'I don't think it would be a good idea if you were to bloody spank him...'
In the papers and on TV during the recent gales they kept saying please look after your neighbours and check if they're OK. Our next door neighbour is an 90-year-old woman. The lazy old bat hasn't come round once to see if we're OK.
She hasn't even taken in her milk for a fortnight!
A little old lady is walking down North Street, in Bedminster, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her: 'Do you know there are £20 notes falling out of your bag?'
'd**n!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for letting me know!'
'Hold on, hold on a minute,' says the copper. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, I live in Raynes Road and my back garden backs onto the car park at Ashton Gate, and every time there's a game, a lot of the fans come and urinate into the bushes, right into my flowerbeds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with my big hedge clippers, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: twenty quid, or off it comes!'
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the plod. 'And you've filled two rubbish sacks with £20 notes! Brilliant!'
'Oh no,' says the little old lady. 'Only one sack's full of money. As for the other one, well, not all of them pay...'
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move.
'No thank you.' she said politely. 'This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.'
'That must be rather difficult.' the man replied.
'Oh, I don't mind too much.' she said. 'But, it has my husband pretty upset.'
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Q. What's long and hard and makes women moan?
A. An ironing board.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to heaven.
As they arrive, they have to have a short interview with an Angel with a clipboard. 'When you're lying in your coffin, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?' he asks.
The first man immediately responds, 'I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.'
The second guy says, 'I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and fine schoolteacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.'
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, 'I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!''
A woman wanders into a chemist and glances at the counter display.
'Excuse me', she asks the chemist, 'Do you sell extra large condoms?'
'Yes we do', says the chemist, 'Would you like to buy some?'
'No', replies the woman, 'But do you mind if I wait around until somebody does?'
'Mummy where do babies come from?'
'Well daddies make a special liquid, and they put it inside mummies ... '
'Do mummies have to swallow it?'
'Only if they want new shoes.'
Sally was going out with a boy for the first time. She told her grandmother about it.
'Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys,' the grandmother said.
Grandma advised, 'He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.'
She continued, 'He is going to try to feel under your blouse. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand up your skirt. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family.'
With that bit of advice in mind, Sally went off on her date.
When she got back, her grandmother was waiting for her. 'How did it go?' she asked. 'Were you a good girl?'
'Well... I did let him put his hands on me,' she admitted.
'Oh...' Grandma replied. 'What else?'
'Then he wanted to get on top of me, just like you said,' Sally said, 'but I didn't let him do it!'
'Good girl!' said Grandma. 'You didn't let him disgrace our family.'
'That's right!' the granddaughter said, smiling. 'I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!'
A woman is in court for shoplifting.
The judge asks her: 'So what did you take from the shop?'
The lady replied, 'A tin of peaches.'
The judge said, 'OK, how many peaches were in the tin'?
'Six' she answered.
'Well I'm going to sentence you to six days in prison, one day for every peach.'
A man at the back stands up and asks to speak.
'Let him speak says the judge.'
The man says, 'I'm the lady's husband, and can I just say...she also took a tin of peas.'
Cheers Ann
When it's his turn to be seen the vet leads the poorly animal into the treatment room.
The vet returns 15 minutes later and says to the owner 'Excuse me sir, but could you say 'Ahhhh....'?'
The dogs owner replies 'Why do I have to say 'Ahhhh....'?'
The vet says, 'Because your dog's dead...'
One day, whilst cleaning her young sons bedroom, a Mother finds a sado-masochist magazine under the bed.
Unsure of how to deal with the situation, she keeps the magazine and shows it to her husband when he comes home from work.
Slowly he flicks through the pictures of leather and PVC clad dominatrix and whips, before handing it back to his wife without a word.
'Come on', she says exasperated, 'What should we do about this?'
'Well', replies her husband, 'I don't think it would be a good idea if you were to bloody spank him...'
In the papers and on TV during the recent gales they kept saying please look after your neighbours and check if they're OK. Our next door neighbour is an 90-year-old woman. The lazy old bat hasn't come round once to see if we're OK.
She hasn't even taken in her milk for a fortnight!
A little old lady is walking down North Street, in Bedminster, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her: 'Do you know there are £20 notes falling out of your bag?'
'd**n!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for letting me know!'
'Hold on, hold on a minute,' says the copper. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, I live in Raynes Road and my back garden backs onto the car park at Ashton Gate, and every time there's a game, a lot of the fans come and urinate into the bushes, right into my flowerbeds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with my big hedge clippers, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: twenty quid, or off it comes!'
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the plod. 'And you've filled two rubbish sacks with £20 notes! Brilliant!'
'Oh no,' says the little old lady. 'Only one sack's full of money. As for the other one, well, not all of them pay...'
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move.
'No thank you.' she said politely. 'This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.'
'That must be rather difficult.' the man replied.
'Oh, I don't mind too much.' she said. 'But, it has my husband pretty upset.'
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Q. What's long and hard and makes women moan?
A. An ironing board.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to heaven.
As they arrive, they have to have a short interview with an Angel with a clipboard. 'When you're lying in your coffin, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?' he asks.
The first man immediately responds, 'I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.'
The second guy says, 'I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and fine schoolteacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.'
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, 'I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!''
A woman wanders into a chemist and glances at the counter display.
'Excuse me', she asks the chemist, 'Do you sell extra large condoms?'
'Yes we do', says the chemist, 'Would you like to buy some?'
'No', replies the woman, 'But do you mind if I wait around until somebody does?'
'Mummy where do babies come from?'
'Well daddies make a special liquid, and they put it inside mummies ... '
'Do mummies have to swallow it?'
'Only if they want new shoes.'
Sally was going out with a boy for the first time. She told her grandmother about it.
'Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys,' the grandmother said.
Grandma advised, 'He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.'
She continued, 'He is going to try to feel under your blouse. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand up your skirt. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family.'
With that bit of advice in mind, Sally went off on her date.
When she got back, her grandmother was waiting for her. 'How did it go?' she asked. 'Were you a good girl?'
'Well... I did let him put his hands on me,' she admitted.
'Oh...' Grandma replied. 'What else?'
'Then he wanted to get on top of me, just like you said,' Sally said, 'but I didn't let him do it!'
'Good girl!' said Grandma. 'You didn't let him disgrace our family.'
'That's right!' the granddaughter said, smiling. 'I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!'
A woman is in court for shoplifting.
The judge asks her: 'So what did you take from the shop?'
The lady replied, 'A tin of peaches.'
The judge said, 'OK, how many peaches were in the tin'?
'Six' she answered.
'Well I'm going to sentence you to six days in prison, one day for every peach.'
A man at the back stands up and asks to speak.
'Let him speak says the judge.'
The man says, 'I'm the lady's husband, and can I just say...she also took a tin of peas.'
Cheers Ann
