Silly

[Fenlander]

1) My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least
he died in comfort.

2) My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

3) I called 118 118 last night. "Hello, operator, I would like the
telephone number for Mary Jones in Enfield Herts."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Enfield," the operator
replied. "Do you have a street name?"
I hesitated with embarrassment , and then said, "Well, most people call
me Ice Man."

4) All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting
horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of
salmon.

5) Was struggling with my crossword this morning.

Clue: jewish baker

Letters: (5,6)

A - - - - H - - - - -

6) I slept with one of those 'high class' prostitutes the other week.
I'm not happy though, the pregnant dog gave me lobsters.


7) My therapist says that I've got a preoccupation with vengeance;
we'll see about that...

8) If any members of the Chinese Government or Olympic Organisers are
reading this, I would like to make this firm statement on behalf of
myself and millions of other Britons-

We don't give a fcuk about Tibet. Now please get the beach volleyball
started.

9) Whats brown and sticky?

Elton John's wedding ring.


10) I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "Do you have
a police record?"

I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979." He said "I mean a criminal
record" I said "ok ok - how about Cliff Richard, wired for sound"


11) I went to see The Dark Knight last night. Must say, I was very
disappointed.

I thought it was going to be a documentary about Sir Trevor McDonald.

12) After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week,
I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I'm
really sorry about your wait."

In a rattled state, I replied, "you're not so fcuking skinny yourself,
actually."