Clean Jokes

[koycegizlad]

How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”


For those of you with dogs!!!


Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...

Remove film from box and load camera.

Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

Choose a suitable background for photo.

Mount camera on tripod and focus.

Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

Put magazines back on coffee table.

Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

Call spouse to clean up mess.

Fix a drink.

Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Trying to loose weight???


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Here's the activities guide to burning calories at work and the number of calories they consume per hour...

Beating around the bush... 75
Jumping to conclusions... 100
Climbing the walls... 150
Swallowing your pride... 50
Passing the buck... 25
Throwing your weight around... 50-300
Dragging your heels... 100
Pushing your luck... 250
Making mountains out of molehills... 500
Hitting the nail on the head... 50
Wading through paperwork... 300
Bending over backwards... 75
Jumping on the bandwagon... 200
Balancing the books... 25
Running around in circles... 350
Eating crow... 225
Tooting your own horn... 25
Climbing the ladder of success... 750
Pulling out the stops... 75
Adding fuel to the fire... 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end... 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms... 50
Putting your foot in your mouth... 300
Starting the ball rolling... 90
Going over the edge... 25
Picking up the pieces after... 350
Counting eggs before they hatch... 6
Calling it quits... 2

[lale]

The Workaholic

A workaholic finally decided to take a long overdue vacation. He booked a Caribbean cruise and was having the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself swept onto a desert island. Six lonely months later, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

"Where did you come from?" he asks.

"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my ship sank" she says.

"Amazing". "You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you".

"Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But that's impossible," stutters the man, "You had no tools. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem", replies the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools." The guy is stunned.

"Lets row over to my place." She says. She docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.

"It's not much but I call it home," she says. "Would you like another drink?"

"No thank you," he says still dazed. "Can't take any more of that coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have my own still. How about a Pina Colada while I slip into something more comfortable." She returns wearing nothing but vines and a strategically placed shell necklace.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here a long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months," her hands sliding over his legs.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck! "You mean." he gasps, "I can actually check my e-mail from here?"

[koycegizlad]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
First of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
Headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
Hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
Roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to
Help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
If you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
Minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
Position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently
Took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
And she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
Him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
Hell."

Bulent